Forum: Jokes and Stories

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall, mid-aged lady answered the door. Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the Living Room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow dung (droppings) onto the carpet. ...

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced...

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. ...

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Well, me...

This is for anyone who works in an office. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=D4a1z7NLnNk

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when,to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I...

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Lady Diana and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Pamela if there's some particular reason why...

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting freaky with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must...

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.' She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm...

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says "Goal!" His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The old man says, "Goal, I'm ahead 1 to nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal,...

There were two gay guy living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine. The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do...

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?" The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when...

One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away. The report...

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will...

Mr. Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way, they stopped at a Yorkie bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said. I'm the...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their...

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink. The women says, "Sure,...

A boyfriend and girlfriend are away on holiday and she has a nasty accident which requires a blood transfusion, fortunately her boyfriend has the same blood type so he donates some of his. Allowing her a full recovery. A year later they have a very messy break up and to be difficult he says "I...

Little Bo Peep ****ed her sheep Blew a horse, licked his feet She ate his ass so very nice Tongued his balls not once but twice