US to scrap dollar and join the euro
The United States is to abolish the dollar and adopt the euro, according to a surprise announcement by the US Department of Monetary Policy.
In a move that will herald a seismic shift in the global economy, the US will, in the words of government spokesman William P. Flanjingle, "play a proud and vital role in the shaping of a new economic order."
The President is expected to issue an official statement later today.
Rumours had been swirling in recent weeks that the US government was considering a drastic solution to the recent collapse of the dollar. But analysts and politicians have still been taken unaware by this historic and startling decision. One of the first to issue a public rebuke was Representive Tom Plunger of Jackson County.
"This isn't about markets or business or stuff like that," he said. "This is about our culture, our very society, being sold off to the Europeans! Why do you think we renamed French fries freedom fries? To stop something like this from happening!"
The move is thought to be linked to the oil market, as the falling value of the dollar has severely reduced the spending power of super-powerful oil cartel OPEC.
By replacing the dollar with the euro, analysts believe the US will be able to boost oil production and slash prices.
"This is a good move for the country and for the world," Monetary Policy spokesman William P. Flanjingle said in his speech. "We're only changing the currency, and have you ever seen a euro banknote by the way? They're actually very colourful and a lot of fun."
The news is bound to increase pressure on the British government to sign up to the single currency as well. Reacting to this sudden turn of events, eurosceptic MP Roderick Smiley has already issued a fresh call for a referendum on the euro.
A frontbencher, who asked not to be named, meanwhile told us that the atmosphere in the Commons is "tense, mysterious, scary and exciting. It's like you know something's about to fall on you from a great height and it's either going to be a beautiful naked woman or a big bag of cow dung. One's slightly better than the other, but you'd rather neither did, really."
The Prime Minister is scheduled to deliver his response to the US adoption of the euro at 12.00pm this afternoon.
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